Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Daughter of abusive custodial dad speaks out (Petaling Jaya, Malaysia)

A very heartfelt, honest account. Unfortunately, the narcistic personality of this abusive custodial UNNAMED DAD is not pointed out. The "walking on eggshells" thing is CALCULATED by these guys to keep the victims in check. Notice how he was "very cool" after choking one of the girls? Also typical of the  abuser. And being kind and friendly outside the home? Check. Isolating these girls and keeping them from friends? Check.. Enabling family of origin? Check.

These are all indicative of your basic sociopath, who is a pathological liar and manipulator.

But notice that these girls still believe on some level that the mother "abandoning" the home was the "spark" for his abuse. He's telling them that it's all her fault, and they are still buying this garbage. And given how sicko this daddy is, how do you think he treated the mother? I don't think she freely and willingly walked out the door. I think it is very likely--if she is alive, and that is a big "if"--that she was driven out by death threats and ongoing violence.

Published: Wednesday August 21, 2013
MYT 10:40:00 AM Updated: Wednesday August 21, 2013 MYT 3:09:40 PM

Child abuse: A victim speaks out

PETALING JAYA: The number of brutal domestic abuse cases reported in the media seems to be on the rise. Most recently a young girl aged just 5 lies in the Intensive Care Unit of a hospital after having been viciously caned.

Tragically some victims die or are permanently damaged as a result of such traumatic abuse. Some manage to survive, leading a healthy successful life despite the scars.

We spoke to a young woman who was previously abused by her father, and she speaks out about her troubled upbringing.

Kelly (not her real name), a fresh graduate with a diploma, said that their hot-tempered father brought her and her younger sister up, after their mother abandoned the family when they were young.

His resentment over her departure may have been the spark that made their lives a living hell.

“We know that he could get very angry over small things, he would yell and say all the bad words as if I did something wrong, but I did not,” said Kelly.

“Last year, he choked my sister in the neck until she couldn’t breathe. That time I wasn’t in the house; I was in college at class.

When I came home, she was crying,” she said. “When I came back home, he was very cool, like nothing happened,” she added.

She said that after that incident she felt afraid to leave her sister at home with her father: “Every time when I leave the house I feel very scared.”

Kelly was also victim to her father’s physical abuse. In January this year, her father beat her with an umbrella after accusing her of not going to the gym.

In a separate incident, her father took a knife out and told her to kill herself in front of her sister.

“We got so scared, we didn’t know what to do. I got so shocked,” said Kelly.

Kelly and her sister tolerated the abuse that started in 2006: “For many years I stayed silent. Most people would have run away by then.”

Outside the house, he would smile and talk like nothing happened. But in the house he would explode at us,” Kelly added.

On top of the abuse, she said that her father was very paranoid and didn’t like her going out with her friends.

“He would say, ‘Don’t go out with them, stay at home. Clean the house. Cook.’ And I would do that even though I have college, but he would never say ‘Okay, you’re doing this much of work, let’s take a day off,’” she said.

However, her unemployed father would just sit at home drinking alcohol and smoking.

“Every single day he would sit in the house, he hasn’t worked in six months,” she said, adding that her father also liked to pick fights with neighbours and friends.

“After he drinks, one day 15 bottles, he would like to fight. I don’t know what he finds in the fighting, I don’t know what makes him so satisfied,” said Kelly.

“My sister and me tried our best to stop him from smoking and taking alcohol. But he says that it’s good for his health, so we just kept silent,” she adds.

Kelly said because her father was unemployed, her allowance was once cut down to only RM5 per day. “That wasn’t even enough for transport. But I wouldn’t ask my father for more money,” she said. “I started borrowing from my friends. For my books, my equipment, my college, everything I’d borrow from my friends,” Kelly said. Kelly says that her grandparents did not help the situation because they are still supporting her father.

“He’s sitting in the house and doesn’t want to earn money, and my grandmother is giving him money every month,” said Kelly.

“He’s not shy, at fifty-years-old to take his parent’s money. He bought himself a property based on his parent’s money and I told myself that I would show him one day; I will buy myself a property by myself without his parent’s money.” “He even bought himself a 5 series BMW,” she adds. Kelly said that she was very depressed and would confide in her friends about her problems at home. Her friend then suggested that she seek shelter and advice at Women’s Aid Organisation (WAO).

“Without my friend’s help I don’t know what I’d do. I was totally lost; I couldn’t even focus on my studies. When I open my book, I see his face,” she said.

“I thank God for giving me the strength to bring my sister here, if not we would have partially died there. I would have nightmares at night and I couldn’t breathe in the house, it was choking me. The house was just covered in darkness,” adds Kelly.

She said that she kept hoping that her father would change, but he has not.

“He never apologized. He wants me to apologize; he wants me to lay myself down by his foot. He thinks he is a king, like a ruler of the ruler of the world, and he wants everyone to be his slave,” Kelly said. Kelly has been at the WAO refuge centre for quite some time and she hasn’t spoken to her father since.

“I don’t want any woman or girl to go through the same situation I’m going through,” she said.

Kelly says that women should know that they have the power to leave the relationship and that women are capable of “doing more” for themselves.

Apart from WAO providing a safe shelter for Kelly and her sister, WAO also provides free food and drink, face-to-face counselling, and help and guidance in lodging police reports.