Abuse survivor gives other victims hope (Salem, Oregon)

Inspiring story about abuse survivor Bernice Jepson, who grew up with a violent, alcoholic, sexually abusive UNNAMED DAD. Instead of becoming embittered and broken, she reaches out to other victims of abuse with a message of hope and support.

http://www.statesmanjournal.com/article/20100418/COLUMN0807/4180339/1126/COLUMN

Columnist Capi Lynn
Abuse survivor gives other victims hope
Capi Lynn
April 18, 2010

There was a church, four blocks from her home, where Bernice Jepson sought refuge as a child growing up in a small town in Minnesota.

"I used to sit there for hours to get away from the chaos and pray," Jepson told with me. "I prayed and prayed."

That image stuck in my mind after a heartbreaking yet inspiring visit with this woman. I can picture that petite little girl — Bernice is barely 5-feet-tall as an adult — huddled in one of the pews. Crying. Waiting. And praying.

Her faith in God helped her survive a childhood ravaged by verbal, physical and sexual abuse. She was a victim, at the hands of an alcoholic father, from age 6 to 18.

"I lived with the devil 18 years of my life and he never broke me," Bernice said. "He wanted to, but he never broke me."

It is important, during Child Abuse Prevention Month, to share stories of survivors. Bernice gives other victims hope.

Today the 53-year-old woman is an intake specialist for the Salem Job Connection program of Goodwill Industries of the Columbia Willamette. Much of her time is spent doing community outreach and making job readiness presentations.

"She's very outgoing and likes to go out and do marketing and promote our program," co-worker Denise Bacon said. "And that's good, because not all of us like doing that."

Some of the presentations Bernice makes are at prisons and domestic violence shelters, where she can be tempted to launch into another spiel — about abuse and post traumatic stress disorder.

In a previous career out of state, Bernice worked with various agencies to help other abused women and children. She educated members of law enforcement on PTSD. And from what I can tell, she is an untapped resource in this community.

Bernice once volunteered for Salem Police Department and its domestic violence response team. She was a first-responder, on call some weekends. But the work got to be too much for her because of her own PTSD issues. Ninety percent of the time, she said, the victim didn't want the perpetrator punished and "that got to be a sore spot for me."

Bernice was diagnosed with PTSD when she was 35, after suffering symptoms for many years. She had fits of anger, depression and flashbacks.

She was working as a certified nursing assistant when the flashbacks — triggered by a noise, an image, certain words or a smell that reminded her of her abuse — began to interfere with her ability to function on the job.

A counselor named Maggie eventually helped her cope with her PTSD, through education and awareness.

"The floodgates of hell opened up," Bernice said. "Everything that ever happened to me came rushing out like a torrent."

Bernice had the furthest thing from a normal childhood. She had a sister and a brother, and no one was spared the abuse.

"It was never a home," she said. "There was no peace at all."

Their mother couldn't protect them. She often sought her own refuge at the church, because she would be the first target when he came home from a night of drinking.

"We'd all hide and pray he never found us," Bernice said. "We clung to each other for dear life. When he wasn't there, the situation was tolerable."

Her older sister became the mother figure. She was the one who talked to Bernice about all the delicate things mothers talk to their daughters about.

Bernice and her siblings called their father "old man."

"He never deserved the title Dad," she said.

Her father is deceased, and she never was able to "settle" with him for what he did to her as a child.

"I cried when he died," Bernice said. "But I grieved for what didn't happen, not for what did happen."

As odd as it might sound, she credits her father for instilling in her two of her best qualities.

Her work ethic, for one. Her father worked for U.S. Steel and never missed a day of work.

Her personality, for another. Her father was a charismatic person who could talk to anybody.
When you meet Bernice, that charisma surfaces right away.

Co-workers describe her as a powerhouse.

"She's got a lot of energy, and she's a very positive person," Denise said. "Her little giggle, I love hearing. It kind of brightens up the office."

Bernice's positive attitude is what strikes people the most, especially when they learn about her childhood.

"I don't think she has a bitter bone in her body," Denise said.

Bernice is more open than most to talk about her past, even when it comes to the most sensitive of subjects. In some ways, it empowers her even more.

"I took all those negative experiences and turned them around and started helping other people with the same diagnoses I have," she said.

After confronting her PTSD, she started her own business and developed educational programming for PTSD in North Dakota and Minnesota. She has spoken across the country on the subject.

"I think I worked out a lot more issues when I got into my anti-abuse work," she said. "It was affirmation to me that I was capable of doing something positive, because it's hard when you hear the first 18 years of your life that you don't know anything and that you're stupid."

Bernice refers to her PTSD as dormant. But the flashbacks, avoidance and hypervigilance, all criteria of PTSD, are still there.

The hypervigilance is most recognizable. She describes herself as being on guard 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and admits later during our interview that she purposely sat in a chair nearest and facing the door.

"I never position my back to anything," she said. "You learn to control it instead of it controlling you."

Look for Bernice to connect in the future with local organizations that serve those who have been abused and those who suffer from PTSD. She already is working with Oregon Partners in Crisis, which will provide support to soldiers coming home from deployment.

Studies show that at least 1 in 8 soldiers returning from Afghanistan and Iraq will suffer from PTSD, while others estimate it's as high as 40 percent.

"It can be from the battlefield in Iraq ... or from a home environment like mine," Bernice said.
The two causes may be very different, she said, but the results are the same.

When I asked Bernice if she had any parting words to share with readers, the first thing she said was: "If you have a great relationship with your parents, go home and thank them."

And perhaps more importantly, she said, if you know of someone in an abusive situation, please report it.

"Forward This" appears Wednesdays and Sundays and highlights the people, places and organizations of the Mid-Willamette Valley. To share a story, contact Capi Lynn at clynn@StatesmanJournal.com or (503) 399-6710.