Child abuse survivor heals himself by helping others (Clarksville, Tennessee)

There are so many child survivors of domestic violence and child abuse. Robert Skelf is one of them. He has written a book about growing up with an abusive UNNAMED DAD in the 1960s. Back then, there were virtually no services to help mothers get out of abusive situations. I'd love to see the book--sounds really interesting.

Unfortunately, even today, it's not that easy for mother and children to simply "get help." Yes, there are shelters and new laws. But leaving the abuser is very often not the end of the abuse. It's just the beginning of a new chapter--but this time with the family courts, attorneys, and shrinks aiding and abetting the abuser. Unfortunately, even a lot of advocates don't seem to acknowledge this.

http://www.theleafchronicle.com/article/20090908/COMMUNITY/909080320/Child-abuse-survivor-heals-himself-by-helping-others

September 8, 2009
Child abuse survivor heals himself by helping others
By TAVIA D. GREEN The Leaf-Chronicle

There was a .38-caliber gun in a drawer in Robert Skelf's home when he was a boy living in a poverty-stricken Tennessee neighborhood in the 1960s.

He says he remembers the frantic screams of his mother as his drunk father held that gun to her head and threatened to pull the trigger.

He said he picked up the gun several times as he grew up and dreamed he would shoot his father and stop the beatings of his mother, himself and his four siblings.

But he was too scared then to hurt anyone, and he's now glad he was.

"He could've killed us," Skelf said. "I can't count the beatings and torture she went through or times we were beat ourselves."

Painful memories surface for Skelf, now 50. Some are hard to talk about, but Skelf has taken those memories and put them into a book called "Our Purple Prisons: Skeletons of Domestic Violence and the Closets That Hide Them."

The used-car salesman said he wrote the book to urge women in abusive relationships to seek help for themselves and their children.

"Children of battered women are like skeletons in a dark, locked closet — no matter what they do in life, no matter where they go, they will never be able to forget the trauma of the beatings, the yelling and fear unimaginable. Those memories will never be able to escape the purple prison. ... That is a part of them that will always wonder what it would have been like to be a normal happy kid in a home filled with love, or at least not one of fear."

Purple represents the color of the bruises he remembers his mother having, and it's the international color for domestic violence.

As a child, sometimes he put the gun to his own head, in his depression and hopelessness.
But Skelf said he wanted to save his family.

"Being put in a situation as a child seeing your mom getting beat is child abuse in my opinion," Skelf said. "It's terror. The ultimate terror is realizing you are too small to do anything. All you can do is watch. You feel guilty when you're not included. It's a sadistic logic that takes over."

Getting out

When Skelf was being abused in the 1960s, he said, domestic violence wasn't discussed, and resources such as shelters and hot lines weren't readily available.

Although we live in the information and technology era where resources are at your fingertips, Skelf said victims have to escape their own cycle of abuse and understand the mind of an abuser.
Skelf said he remembers his father going through stages that led up to violent outbursts of anger. Skelf said the anger built up, then became a verbal assault, then a physical attack.
Excuses and apologies came later, and there may have been a showering of gifts along with promises to never do it again. Then the cycle would start over.

Many stay because they believe the abuser will change. Skelf said his father turned to religion in his older years, and the abuse of his mother stopped. But by then, the children were grown and gone. It's rare an abuser stops, Skelf said.

Struggle to help

When he was as young as 6, Skelf would hide in the basement when his father reached "the boiling point."

His dog Midnight was his only comfort as he pretended the violence wasn't happening.
Sometimes he'd imagine he was in another world, dominated by baseball and Hank Aaron. That world was often shattered by the cries of his mother being beaten in the kitchen above, he said.
He said he knows the neighbors heard the screams, but they never called the police. Skelf said today there are still many neighbors with the same attitude.

"Many people think 'Keep your mouth shut and mind your own business,'" he said.

One day in December 2008, Skelf said he realized he had to stop ignoring cries for help.
He encountered a woman at the car dealership where he worked who was trying to escape domestic violence. The 22-year-old woman told Skelf she and her two children were coming from a battered women's shelter. He suspected she was heading back to her hometown and had little money to buy a car.

His manager, although big-hearted, had to deny the woman's application.

As the woman left, Skelf said he felt crushed.

Writing turned into a journey for Skelf, powered by his own memories and nightmares.

"Memories came back that I had blocked since my childhood," Skelf said. Many tears were shed as he typed for hours at the computer.

"The best cure there is is to help yourself and others," he said.

But most important, Skelf said he wanted to bring attention to a subject that many times is ignored until it's too late.

"How many warm hands on cold coffins does it take before we wake up from our memories and do something about it?" Skelf said.Additional Facts

FOR MORE

For a copy of Robert Skelf's eBook about domestic violence, e-mail ourpurpleprisons @yahoo.com.